i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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