Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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