Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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