she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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