Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I want to be your penis for a week.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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