Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
