its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
