operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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