she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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