Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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