What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
