Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
