i was born a porn star she said
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
