I faked an abortion last night.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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