If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
