hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
