you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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