it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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