You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
