like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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