my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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