I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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