After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
