just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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