News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Drunk is not a location!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
