Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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