Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
