my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm at about main and main street
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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