I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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