That's intense
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
