i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
