Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
we should paint friendship bongs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
