we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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