I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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