I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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