I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
