Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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