Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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