how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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