I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
