just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
