Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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