omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
