My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
