so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
