What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
