My nipple is on Facebook.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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