Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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