The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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