the condom got lost in my hair
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
