I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
