Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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