Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
