I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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