boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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