I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
