So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
