nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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