we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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