I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
