6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
